


Charlie Enjoys Some Fancy Cheese

by sinkcat



Category: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Genre: Asexuality Spectrum, Awkward Sexual Situations, Awkward situations, Cheese, Eating, Friendship, Hanging Out, Humor, Inanimate Objects, Mild Sexual Content, Non-Explicit, Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-09
Updated: 2017-04-09
Packaged: 2018-10-16 08:32:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 989
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10567554
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sinkcat/pseuds/sinkcat
Summary: While hanging out with Dennis, Charlie eats some fancy cheese and enjoys it a little bit too much. Inspired by the book It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: The 7 Secrets of Awakening the Highly Effective Four-Hour Giant, Today. This story is surprisingly canon-ish.





	

Charlie is walking home when he sees something on the ground a few feet away from him.

It’s a light yellow block of cheese!

Charlie runs towards it and gingerly picks it up. It’s wrapped in plastic and still feels cool to the touch!

He tries to read the words on the label. He can definitely make out _age_ , _cheddar_ , and _butter_ and that’s all he needs to know.

Charlie emits a joyous squeal. Who the hell just left this beauty on the ground?!

He looks around. He doesn’t see anyone. The cheese has now fallen under the Finders-Keepers Law of America.

After safely hiding the cheese under his green jacket, Charlie skips to his apartment, a smile plastered on his bearded face.

***

When Charlie gets to his apartment, he sees Dennis leaning against the door, his eyes closed, eyebrows furrowed, arms folded across his chest.

Crap! He forgot that their “monthly friendship session” (as Dennis calls it) is today.

“Uh, hey. Sorry I forgot about our thing.”

Dennis slowly opens his eyes. “I’m not surprised.” He looks down at his watch. “I _guess_ I still have time to hang out with you.”

Charlie rolls his eyes. Dennis likes to pretend that he’s doing _Charlie_ a favor by hanging out with him, but Charlie can tell that _Dennis_ needs these “sessions” _way_ more than he does.

Dennis moves his body away from the door. Charlie quickly unlocks it, scurries over to the far end of his couch, and plops down. Dennis follows, closing the door behind him.

Charlie excitedly removes his cheese from under his jacket and begins to unwrap it.

“You brought cheese to our session,” Dennis says, incredulous.

“Yeah, dude. I found some cheese, I’m hungry, and I’m gonna eat it.”

“You _found_ cheese? Charlie, how many times have I told you to stop—”

“ _Dennis_ , I don’t care! I’m eating the cheese. Start talkin’ or I’ll eat it by myself!”

Dennis sighs dramatically and rolls his eyes, but he begins his usual rant.

Charlie is only half-listening as he bites into the cheese, but when the cheese touches his tongue, Dennis’ voice disappears from his mind.

HOLY SHIT THIS IS GOOD CHEESE.

This is _definitely_ some quality cheese. Like, the people who made this cheese graduated from a top cheese college or something. This cheese is _just_ as good as that cheese he had when he was in that fancy restaurant with Dee and that rich girl and her brother.

And it’s firm, but not _too_ firm like some other cheeses. His fragile teeth can easily handle this cheese. Every time he chews it, the flavor punches him in the mouth.

And the way it goes down his throat. Ooh boy. It’s so, so, SO _velvety_ smooth. Velveeta was probably named after this cheese.

A soft moan accidentally escapes Charlie’s lips. He freezes, his face turning pink. He hopes Dennis didn’t just hear that.

“Did you…did you just _moan_?”

“Sorry, this cheese is so good, man.”

“Okay, dude, but just stop moaning. It’s creepy as shit.”

“I’ll try, man. I’ll try.”

Charlie regains control over his vocal cords. Locks his moans in his mind. It’s _so_ hard, though, because the cheese is doing something to him.

It’s making his whole body vibrate and hum. And he’s beginning to feel a familiar, heavy sensation building in his groin. Charlie laughs in his mind. That is just… _weird_. The cheese is good, but it’s not _that_ good.

So, Charlie keeps feasting on his delicious cheese. Continues to chew it, savor it, swallow it. The cheese slides down his gullet and hits his stomach and it feels _perfect_.

Dennis takes notice of Charlie’s almost silent humming sounds. His bouncing left leg. His tented jeans. His slightly shaky hands wrapped around the block of cheese. His heaving chest. His flushed face. His closed eyes. His disgusting cheese-covered grin.

Dennis is positive that Charlie has been zoned out since he started talking, but fuck it. Dennis is here to talk shit about Mac, Dee, and Frank and he’s _not_ going to let that go to waste. So, he keeps ranting.

The romantic R&B song “Whatever You Want” by Tony! Toni! Toné! starts playing in Charlie’s mind and he begins to send psychic messages to his beloved cheese.

_You’re so cute, Cheese. I love how good you taste. Why are you so delicious? You give me so many vitamins and omegas. Thank you so much. I love you. I wish we could be together forever. I’m in heaven. So yummy. You’re driving me crazy, Cheese. I’m feeling so—_

“Ahh!” Charlie cries. He barely feels the cheese fall out of his hands as his sudden orgasm overwhelms him.

After a few seconds, Charlie presses himself into the couch and catches his breath.

His brain finally starts working again. His brain reminds him.

He’s not alone.

Dennis is here.

Dennis. Saw. Everything.

Shit.

Charlie cautiously opens his eyes and sees Dennis’ bright red, bug-eyed, slack-jawed face.

“WHAT THE FUCK?!” Dennis screeches.

Charlie doesn’t know what to say or do, so he just stares at Dennis’ slightly crooked nose while simultaneously trying to disappear.

“Did you just get off _eating cheese_?”

Charlie shrugs weakly, an uneasy smile overtaking his face.

“Jeeeesus Christ, dude.” Dennis reaches down and picks up the dropped cheese. He hastily stands up and stares down at Charlie with icy blue eyes.

“I’m _taking_ this cheese and I’m going to _keep_ it until you learn how to eat cheese like a _normal_ person.”

Charlie wants to protest but he’s too busy trying to send his spirit to the nearest couch arm.

With Charlie’s precious cheese held firmly in his right hand, Dennis lets out an overly loud huff before stalking off.

The slam of the door jolts Charlie back to reality.

Charlie sighs softly and runs a hand through his messy brown hair.

“Maybe I should just stick to regular cheese.”            

**Author's Note:**

> So, as I mentioned in the summary, the book It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: The 7 Secrets of Awakening the Highly Effective Four-Hour Giant, Today (which is "written" by The Gang) inspired me to write this fic. 
> 
> In the chapter that inspired me, Charlie talks about using cheese as a lure for traps and starts rambling about how "beautiful" and "delicious" cheese is. And then he stops talking. Dennis (who transcribed Charlie's words) leaves a footnote that states: "At this point Charlie got a crazed look in his eye, then grabbed the hand lotion and excused himself to the bathroom." @_@
> 
> I'm a huge fan of interesting/unusual stuff like that and canon material and if there are no Charlie x Cheese fics out there (AFAIK), you better believe I'm going to write one. And I love Charlie and Dennis' relationship and Dennis' overreactions, so I decided to throw Dennis in the mix.
> 
> For anyone who's wondering, the cheese that captured Charlie's heart is called "Tillamook Medium White Cheddar." I've never tried it but it looks good and - going by the thirsty-ass description on the official website - sounds delicious.
> 
> I hope you enjoyed this story. If you can, please leave a comment. I love feedback. Thanks. :D


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